A lot of lateness lately on my part. Because I can’t get out of bed in the morning. Seriously, I don’t know why I am so fuuuucking tired every morning.
I imagine that waking up to the prospect of going to work to do the same thing, the same thing I do every day, grinds me down; not a whole lot I can do about this. It may also be because I’m just so worn out from going to TMS, every week, twice a week, early in the morning, as a not-morning-person. The novelty wears off, and I know I’m in the home stretch. It’s just a nuisance of an appointment now that cuts into precious sleep.
I am especially exhausted this morning, and desperately need a pick-me-up. I ask Angela for “house music”. Angela has no idea what I’m talking about. After some explanation, we settle on the descriptor “dance music” and…what I get is a Saturday night in a taxi KTU mix. Oh well.
Be careful what you wish for, but also be careful what you bitch about, because the music cuts out- some internet problem- and now I have nothing. Now I’m longing for KTU garbage, because even that is better than silence (I maintain that Steely Dan or The Eagles is not). I am left to my own thoughts. I was listening to Hideaway by Kiesza this morning, and it’s stuck in my head. It reminds me of LT.
Dammit. Now I’m daydreaming about LT. I do not want to daydream about LT. He takes up enough real estate in my brain as it is, and though he’s cute as a button, it’s still annoying that he doesn’t pay even half the rent.
I try to make my mind blank. Just be.
And like that, it’s over and I’m out of the chair.
Strangely, I feel pretty good after today. I can’t 100% attribute this to TMS. Some of it is environmental, external. It’s at least a semi-warm day where I won’t be fucking freezing waiting for the (elevated) train. I decide to stop in Dunkin for coffee (I’m not supposed to have it pre-TMS), and see a man passed out over his newspaper, mid-penstroke, various classified ads circled. As I often do when I’m reflecting on mental health, mental states, all this…I wonder what his story is. Do you ever do that?
Do you ever peer over the shoulder of a passed out stranger to see what ads they’ve been circling in their newspaper? No? Just me?
This entry is a shorty, as I don’t really have much more to say about the session today. If anything, it illustrates how, at a certain point, being a TMS patient becomes a new normal, just something else you integrate into your weekly routines. I try to remember how fortunate I am to be able to receive this treatment because I have insurance and that insurance covers it, while trying not to get too angry about the fact that there are so many people who cannot. I try to cheer myself on about how hard I’m trying.
But it’s not easy. I can’t say I have a ton of outside validation, and so it being this private thing I don’t talk about with anyone makes it difficult to be all rah-rah about it. It seems like this, I don’t know, shameful thing at times that I have to keep to myself. We’ve already been over the LT thing, and my closest friends are still in my life, but they’ve dropped off just a bit, having recently dealt with Me In Crisis. They rarely ask me about TMS, even though it’s a chunk of my weekly time…it’s just not a thing we talk about. Maybe it’s because it is a reminder of the past, and they just want to move on and forget about that part of my history…believe that I’m all better now. That I don’t need them now. That I don’t have a long-term thing. That I am normal.
Oh my dears, I am anything but normal.
But so, not talking about TMS- or even depression- with anyone, it’s like this isolated part of me. I don’t know what I’d do without this blog. I know people “ghost read” it. Either you like me or you like my writing or the content or who knows what, but at least it’s some sort of outside connection in terms of this treatment being a part of my life. So thanks for reading what you’re reading right now.
I’ll close this out with an article on ketamine for treating depression, a reflection of my ongoing interest in developing “as needed/one shot” medication therapies for depression. Ketamine has shown to wipe out suicidal ideation in a matter of hours. Give it a read.
Area 6, Is This Our New Normal?