Seriously, I just don’t have much to say.
I did have something to say, when I drafted up this post. In fact, I was really looking forward to writing Day 19 at that time. This post was going to be gangbusters. The cat’s pajamas. Really hit on all sixes. And all other old-timey phrases meaning “good”. But as you’ve probably figured out, I write all this in retrospect. And, looking back, for whatever reason, rough week, I don’t know, I’m really just not feeling as excited about it now…
Nothing really happened at TMS, except me telling Angela about this country singer’s concert I went to the night before, and what unintentional camp it all was (which is the best camp). How, if you’re playing to New Yorkers, and you’re wearing sparkly jackets tailor made for a Royal Caribbean show and clap your hands in the air all goofy like, the New Yorkers are just going to think about how much better it would be if The Scissor Sisters were ironically covering your songs, or if it was at least a really stellar drag cover band…
(how this particular country singer does not have a huge gay following is beyond me).
Except even though the concert took place in NYC, it was pretty clear the audience was from…not NYC (there was a good chance my friend and I were the only ones, and the only ones thinking these hilarious thoughts). Some spectacularly awkward cultural appropriation was the cherry on the sundae, a sundae so American I wished I’d hit Applebees beforehand so I could really get in the mood. Let’s bring that disturbing Applebees gif back.
These America jokes are sort of lost on Angela. So I tell her about the blog. I can’t tell her the name because I’m still like, what would she think, the stuff I write about her? I mean, I’m obviously fond of her, but I’m not sure what she would think of the things I find funny about this whole experience. And you know, she does my treatments so, I’d kind of like to be on her good side. So I’m still skittish.
Anyway, the America/concert jokes. Tonight they’re lost on me, too. Not because I don’t intellectually get the humor. I just…don’t feel it. I’m sad tonight.
But I’m ok with it.
The good thing about impermanence- and I try to remind myself of this on the regular- is that the bad stuff can pass. Unfortunately, it also means the good stuff can too. We don’t like to look at that side of it. What I’m saying is, even if a depression treatment works for a while, there may not be a permanent cure for depression, for every single person. That could be tough to accept for people who have been through so much pain for so long, they’re just looking for that one miracle…knowing that most people do recover to 100%, but you might not be one of them. I really don’t know how one comes to accept this…I just know it has to be done. I mean yes, if you want something to keep working, you for sure keep fighting for it, or you just keep exploring new options- Yes You Do. But accepting the possible impermanence- despite best efforts- I think would make it at least a little easier to deal with when something stops working, during a relapse, etc. I would venture to say that being open to that possibility could make the process of recovery less draining, knowing you could be revisiting this repeatedly, so that you shore up your emotional resources for the next bout accordingly. Think of it as insurance.
It’s tough, but in your healthy times, learning self-love is crucial, as is remembering that being a depressive also often means a whole host of other good qualities (please read more on that here, this article is so important!) you can take pride in, so you can have that on reserve for when you’ll really, really need it again. And every day that the thing you’re doing does work- even if you find yourself cured for life- just as you shouldn’t in relationships with others, never take that healthy relationship with yourself for granted. Be thankful.
Now, if I actually figure out the “how to” on all of that, I’ll get back to you.
So I Talk That Talk. I try to remember all of this. And yet, I’m guilty of wondering…
Area 6, Will You Fix Me For Good?
area6canyoureadme 